Second semester 2002

Another Sleepless night ...

I'm feeling kinda lonely right now, god knows thats the main reason I turn to a piece of paper. Imagine who I want to talk to in my head and write. The question is will they ever see this? Probably not, but ya never know ...

Scanning down the IM list, away messages and idle names, Noble is asleep now too, perhaps this is fate telling me that I need to reflect by myself, but I don't want to.

I'm wondering if I want to feel bad, if I need the drama. Or maybe its just more of the repressed emotions and thoughts surfacing. I mean, I cried a little the other day when I looked at my parent ad in my yearbook and saw the message from my grandma - heck - I am now just thinking about it.

And I'm crying about Jason? Or maybe Paul's words? I'm crying about Bobby? Or maybe Noble's words? I'm crying because I'm crying ...

Everyone has to hold onto something. For some its religion, other logic and science, me? Me ... I need people, I need to trust, to believe in the general good of people, I need closeness. And I try so hard to get it. My heart finds someone it wants to trust and I want to open up. I don't want to be one of few in this infinite reality.

Why am I crying? I can't run to Mike, can't run to Paul, can't even run to Bob - but you want to huh? That's who this page represents? You're probably lucky he's asleep, 'cause you'd probably say something stupid like - "you gave me this preaching about openess and it's seeming to turn out like a damn lie." But I don't want to believe that. Shroud myself in idealism.

I have to write now because my words will be lost in time.