December 21, 2001

I feel a lot better in my realtions with Jason, comparatively that is. He left last night after his physics TEE. I was waiting for him to get back. Before this whole mess I had a conception of how our goodbyes would be from now on. No more of the akward goodbyes like at the end of yuk year, standing there wondering "should I hug him? No I'm not the type..." This time I was feeling sad because I feared I wouldn't be even able to say goodbye to him, but as it turns out he let me be in his presence and he did let me hug him.

Mind you he still if very upset at me; I'm still very scared of him. I had to keep drying my hands 'cause they were all clammy. At least he is giving way a little too. Somehow I didn't feel too bad giving up so much energy in that conversation, lately I've felt like I have a lot pent up, while other times I feel negative. I've noticed that a good source of my behavior around him is due to the fact that my trust in him has been severly shaken.

I'm begining the process of finding who I am. I feel almost as if I'm a victim of amnesia. Only I do have a foggy memory of the past, only I'm not sure if its true. Part of me wants to dedicate this journey to Jason. The rest thinks that I should make it all for myself, but I've never liked doing that. There are very few things I do solely for myself. Writting and drawing are about it, and even then I've been trying to make something I can share. Back to what I was talking about before, I feel a little more at peace. There is thie samurai belief that in order to be able to live (kinda inaccurate) one has to live life as if he's going to die. It's not as morbid as it initially sounds. Actually, its very similar to something Jason once told me. It means that in all your relations with other people, your choices with your time, and well, anything else involved with living; wyou should have no misgivings. All those things that you don't want to lie on your deathbed thinking, "I wish I told this person ... I wish I had done ..." To me, it doesn't mean hard charging through life, trying to cram as much as I can into as short amount as possible. Its more of a reason to be honest and open with myself and others and from there everything else should move into place.